Clarity♥

2011-09-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

I know I tear most of the time at night, I know I make people worry. I know that I could have avoided it. I know that I could maintain. I know that I can take every step to make it not happen. I know that I could be the change. I know that I should stop expecting so that I could feel better. I know that I don't know what I know when I'm not thinking of the things that I know. So forgive me if in any case, I'm not behaving the way that I usually was.

2011-09-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not a every day blogger. I don't blog about my every day life.

Just like in reality, I don't do the same things everyday, I don't tell someone all the things that I do.

I don't like to be judge, I don't like to be asked, I don't like to repeat, I don't like to be forced, in short, I hate to do things that I don't like.

I'm not that stubborn if you know me well enough. I'm not that difficult to handle if you know me well enough. Little things that could be done without saying.

When I'm a little quiet when nothing seems to have happen, fact is I don't know what have happened and I'm taking every little things that is going to happen in to consideration of what contributed to why I'm behaving in that particular way.

I'm quiet, I seems to ignore, I said nothing, I shake my head.

Reasons:

Most of the times, I just found new reason/ be reminded of reasons why I hate my life.

I'm already being ignored, so I shall ignore.

I don't get the things that I want/I expected to happen.

I hate it when being ask if I'm ok but the person who ask turns out to be the one who is not.

I needed words of comfort/ actions of comfort.

I don't need to be ask why I'm acting in a particular way because I don't know.

I don't need to be the one who is already feeling shitty and still needs to handle shitty things.

I won't repeat myself of things I once said and thought was being understood.

Just leave me alone if you think you'll turn out to be the one who needs to be comfort. I already have more to think for. & right after I'm done with thinking, I'll be ok. So what's the point of having more person left hanging?

2011-08-31T09:26:00.000-07:00

Feel so hurt when I see my boyf sick and I can't do anything about it. In fact, I don't even know what to do other than staying by his side and hoping that he'll get better.

& Every now and then, I don't feel like working, not when I don't feel any closer to my dream career, but I guess I just have to shut up accept the fact that I have no other choice now.

I just need to hang on, till life gets better (yeaps, even when Idk when it will become better)

I only know that now, things as usual and I have to get back up on feet and carry on with this life of mine.

2011-08-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

Boyf is sick and I feel so bad that I can't take care of him later :( had to accompany Jun Jie for his first inking T^T

Though I'm still meeting him after that :D

he's sleeping soundly now, and hope he'll feel better when he wakes up.

Hees, found this cute picture of my baby in my phone :D SO CUTE! & I feel like pinching his cheek now! Hahaahaaas, he'll laugh when he see this picture of his gay looking hair.

Awwwws, BABY ILOVEYOU! ♥

2011-08-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

I've finally made it through to holidays, although it wasn't really that great an experience. & am officially done with Y2S1, half of my Poly stay.

I guess my days ahead will be easier to get through cause I had a great boyf and a bunch of few good friends! ILOVETHEM ALL.

Anyway, though it's holiday, but no, it ain't a time for me to waste my time off, shall say hi to money and work, here I come!

Guess after this holiday, I'll better have a great time ahead!

Other than that, CPF thingy, yeaps, I'll settle that by next week!

ILOVEMYBOYF. Sorry to make you sad and worry when I'm down. I need you there and you know I'll be just fine. Iloveyou baby. ♥

2011-08-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

It has been a very long time since I know what am I working towards to and who will I be, where will I stand.

When I'm young, I had a dream of being a doctor as a future career. At least I know I have to study and work hard to make it come true.

When I'm older, I know that my future career and whatever I'll be doing must be related to my interest. Well, least I'm still working on it.

Now? Working for my study. Weren't I supposed to go step by step? I don't know what to do now except for getting tired and feeling lethargic. Everything is biting me off bits by bits.

I know I have friends, family, especially my boyf who will help me fix my scar.

But no, not really working, when family is already a major problem for me at the moment.

& every now and then, the thought of losing my boyf have been haunting me. I'm not a low confident person, but I just love him too much I guess, when just a hug from him can stop me from crying, stop me from feeling anxious, stop me from thinking so much and calm me down in whatever things.

Yet recently, whenever I feel down or when my world is falling apart, sometimes all I get from him is so not the reaction that I expected or he once has on me. Or maybe its just me thinking too much, if not I'm too much a weight for him to handle.

I tell myself to stop showing the child temper, but he's the only one I could still show it to. You can't expect me to show it to someone whom I just know or friends who knows me lesser than he does, or even family who already left me hanging.

Please tell me what to do.

2011-08-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what is wrong with me :( I keep making boyf sad because I'm sad.

& I swear I hated the annoyed face boyf gave me when he have no idea what I want.

Most of the time, I just need assurance from him, a hug or a kiss or some assuring words, to let me know that I have him with me. & not asking for anything else.

Cause I've become so dependent on him that, if he gonna leave my life any moment now, I'll collapse. & whenever I think of that happening, I'll tear.

Not that I have no trust in this relationship, not that I don't love him, not that idk he love me too.

But there have been others out there who was so in love, but things still doesn't work out for them. I really wish that we'll be together till the end.

Recently is not a good day for me, I seems to irritate boyf often, which is not a very good thing. I'm sorry baby. ILOVEYOU&IREALLYDO.

2011-08-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

I have ups and down these few days, and my poor boyf have to go through all this shits with me, worse, not knowing what is going on.

Its not because I chose not to say anything out, but mostly because my expectation had been higher I guess.

I think all I have to do now is to stop being so dependent and get back on feet.

Be happy, like my boyf wanted me to. Ilovehim, so much.

2011-08-14T19:12:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of school. Its quite a sad thing but sadness somehow doesn't come to me.

Maybe I was used to changing class, and most probably it is because the class wasn't really bonded.

Miss the class? Not much. I'll just miss the few who cheered me up when I am sad and those who was always with me not only when they needed my help.

Hehehheees. & I swear I'll really miss Marzie! :(

Last day of school and the whole class gonna write just one story ^^V

Bye. I shall be off now.

2011-07-29T00:14:00.001-07:00

The competition will be on the next few hours! OHMYGOD, I am so nervous right now. My hands is sweating, and my eyes was staring at the other dancers. I was kind of amazed by the other dancers. They were so skillful although their choreography wasn't that great as I thought would be.

A total of 20 dance troupes from 20 schools all over Singapore took part in the dance festival. Our turn was next and we knew that we had to put on a good show after seeing so much talent being exhibited on the stage before.

2011-06-23T05:32:00.001-07:00

2011-06-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

It's weird, Idk how to describe the feeling I'm having now.

My heart kindof attack me every now and then, Idk how it did but it cause a pain that physical pain could never distract it.

Can't sleep, no appetite, no mood & always have the verge of crying out.

There should be a path to guide me now. Idk what to do, how?

2011-06-20T04:19:00.000-07:00

I am truthful all along in what I want to say and do, and nothing that great impact had failed me before. Though it is still true that I've said lies before and did bad before. I thought there is always chances? To err is human, to forgive is divine? No?

Its only till these few days, that I feel like breaking down, when nothing I do seems to be of expectation. Expectation from people, school, from my family, work, or even myself.

Sometimes, I just can't understand whats with the expectation and why people expect so much from me?

I'm strong, yes, after going through so much in my past and becoming of what I am today. Why does all bad things occur on me? Not trying to imply how pitiful I am here, or giving the definition of bad. I know some people out there might have greater misfortune than me, but still, for my case, I've had enough, gone through enough and suffered enough. Isn't it my turn to have good times now? No? Then please tell me what to do, guide me, show me the path that I should walk for I am not sure where I am going now. & it hurts so much that I want to cry my heart out every time.

2011-06-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

Nothing stands in our way.

You do know how important you are to me, Iloveyou.

Promise to don't ever leave me.

2011-05-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

Cried for dk how many times today _|_ because of the unbearable pain. Though so, I managed to get over it and control my tears.

I was really in pain, that for the very very first time, I wanted to visit a doctor so much. Sweet boyf took me to several places in search of the clinics that open 24 hours or at least till late.

& yes, FML. Went to at least 3 different places but to no avail, & when we finally found one, the fee cost me another hole. Fucking cost 79.10 bucks. But at least I got my medication which I think will definitely help.

Then I got so sad, cause I actually was so not interested in eating that antibiotics and had boyf worrying, he suddenly went 'not right' and yeah, I knew he was angry. Its kindof like as a 'patient' stand, I got so carried away that my tears came bursting out. Prolly in fear, in pain and all those unwanted feelings all came rushing in.

I just can't take any more blow from anyone. I had enough, in my whole life ever.

2011-05-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

So sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, as ever! IKR :D

ILOVEBUNNY & ILOVEMYBOYF

2011-05-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

Happy 2 month'sary boyf! ILOVEYOU.

I WANT HUG(S)!

I know I'm the happiest girl now, cause I've never been happier than now. I have the cutest boyf and the most caring one ever.

He would do anything just to make me smile (: I know that he'll be hurt if he ever see me tear. I wouldn't want to hurt him in any possible ways because he's my precious.

I love his hugs, those hugs make me feel safe and warm. Every now and then, I'll miss him. Feels like I need him beside me every moment.

ILOVEYOU.REALLY DO. ♥

2011-04-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

I know he gonna make my world right when its not.

He gonna stay with me and hold me tight, I know I have him.

Ilovemyboyf. ♥

2011-04-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

Past 3 days of school wasn't as great as I thought it would be.

The classmates wasn't as friendly as well. & I really missed E36F.

I wouldn't say that its only till now that I remembered or miss them, not only till now that I realise their awesomeness. I knew it all along, even before all of us went our separate ways. I'll prolly never be able to have another awesome class like E36F. You guys made a difference to my poly life. ILOVEALLOFYOU (except for some obvious no)

E36F, YOU'RE AWESOME, really.

2011-04-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

Fuck, headache. Everything seems to pissed me off now. I have no idea what to do now. I just feel like crying, seriously. I mean I'm not that weak or childish to cry over trivial matters. It doesn't feel nice to be me now, can? I can cry out anytime now, if anything goes wrong again.

1) RP website is screwed. (Somebody go fuck it please.)

2) My sister and brother need to go for training to be maid (They are effing dirty and untidy, I swear on this. No one can stand living with them.)

3) The weather isn't playing nice on me.

4) I need to make a trip down to RP tomorrow. (FUCK THIS, KNN)

2011-04-13T10:18:00.001-07:00

I mute the speakers to not let boyf know that I am blogging, then he keep asking why I mute my speakers now .__.

2011-04-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

No one else could make me feel love, like the way he could.

Ilovemyboyf. ♥

2011-04-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

Awwws, they're cute, aren't they? :D

2011-04-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

I have a really dumb boyf but hey, he is cute. I just love him so much.

I always can't bear to see him angry, or know that he is hurt. He just mean so much to me.

I wouldn't say that I have never felt in love like this before, but it has been so long since I love someone so much, miss someone so much. & would have never thought that someone would mean so much to me, all over again.

I miss him every second(s), minute(s), hour(s), day(s), month(s), soon be year(s) & probably a lifetime.

I'd feel so safe with him around, and his hug could make all my worries disappear. I could just feel that I am melting inside out, when he hold on to me, I know he wouldn't let me fall.

Even when he say that he hate me or when I say that I hate him, both of us know what we really meant, some words that are unspoken could mean much more.

I don't mind doing nothing as long as I know he is with me, and I am safe with him.

Thats L.O.V.E ♥

2011-04-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why I love him so much. Really no idea why & really so much.

No idea how he manage to make me feel this way that no one else could. Maybe, he is just so special.

It has been so long since I last felt this way, those sense of belonging and to even admit that someone could make me feel this way again, scared of losing someone, who happen to be so important to me, just like that.

Amazing how it turns out to be but yeah, fact.

ILOVEMYBOYF.

2011-04-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

A short post shall do.

I actually did something that make boyf angry, hurt, disappointed and all those possible negative feelings that he might have felt. I'm sorry, no intention on that part.

& I know although he said 'Nevermind', I know that he do mind.

Boy, don't worry kays? It wouldn't kill me.

Iloveyou, never want to see you walk away, just like that, again.

Kindof hurts too.

2011-04-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't blog in a while right? (;

I know. Anyway, happy first month'vsary with boyf :D Iloveyou.

had a great day with him even though everything was so last minute, I really enjoyed myself.

& was even more surprise when he actually had a booklet of our love.

We had this amazing connection with one another, I think we have great mind; could just bump into one another. I know he love me so much and I really felt his importance.

Life wouldn't be more perfect ♥

I LOVE YOU !

2011-03-31T11:55:00.000-07:00

I knew he was the right one, because I could accept all his flaws when I can't for the rest.

2011-03-31T11:48:00.001-07:00

Crazy times together.

I have the sweetest boyf, and the worst brother. Yet, both, means a lot in my life.

2011-03-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been left behind, all alone .. before?

When you first had it as a companion, you love it so much.

So much that you probably have to hug it so tight and kiss it before you tuck in to bed..

You probably even had a name for it, made a promised to it, and might have even gave a heart to it..

It spend it's entire life with you, grew up with you..

But when you grew up, you just have to throw it aside..

The smile that it once had, have always been there..

Just imagine the smile that has to be put on, it isn't fake. but

You just have to make the smile seems forced.

No, it doesn't hate you for abandoning, just disappointed..

2011-03-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

You can't wait forever.

P.S. Forever doesn't exist.

2011-03-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

Alright, finally I get to suntan :D after so long ^^v 讲真的!

2011-03-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't consider this as a last minute trip but hey, it was really kindof last minute /:

The sun was so pretty today and totally in love with it (:

I still wanna go one more time! Next time, with that babe. Wait for those pictures!

& yeaps, as for now, with my lovely boyf and a few of his friend ^^ zan and liang (camera shy boy). so I didn't get to capture any pictures of liang

Before I start

Introduction

This is Zann (*refer to above pic), you wouldn't want to be his passenger.

Watch out for him! A dangerous driver!

but hey, thanks for the ride :D I'm glad I'm still alive :B

Anyways, the fun part ..

So childish! Tsk tsk.

* Boyf *

& yes, be envious! I know we're sweet and I'm awesome ^^v

Days with him ♥

2011-03-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

This picture was drawn by this cute guy, dated 15 February 2011.

& yes, it was even before we got together. I kind of capture it before, because I thought it was sweet.

I remember him drawing more than 10 hearts and I couldn't stop smiling although it was just as a friend.

& Look, can't imagine the childishness level we had, back then.

Couldn't stop laughing when looking at those conversation.

I swear this is the funniest part!

I know we're awesome, this relationship was an unexpected one.

& yet, it'll be the best I ever had.

Iloveyou, yes, you! ♥

2011-03-27T09:09:00.000-07:00

Each play its part.

2011-03-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn how to let go.

Things go wrong, so that you appreciate them when they're right.

You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good thing fall apart so better things can fall together.

2011-03-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower.

2011-03-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

Love is to the heart what the summer is to the farmer's year. It brings to harvest all the loveliest flowers of the soul.

2011-03-26T13:34:00.001-07:00

When Spring unlocks the flowers to paint the laughing soil.

2011-03-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

Winter dies into the Spring, to be born again in the Autumn.

2011-03-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

Boyf brought up a random topic today, he say to fix a puzzle together next time (:

Wah wah :D & he say he gonna hang it on the wall ^^

Those customized one gonna be much more meaningful aeh ♥

2011-03-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

You shouldn't judge the love they had, either way.

It isn't wrong, the love they had just made them feel right.

2011-03-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, it wouldn't take you more than a minute to realise that love has changed.

It's different.

You'll know when you're in love.

& yes

I'm in love with this cute boyf of mine ♥

2011-03-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

Awesome day with my babe ^^ her name is Li Min.

Heart to heart talk with her, non-stop laughter too :D Oh oh! & nail painting session.

This awesome lady here was so sweet to come all the way to my house from Tampines and travel back alone!

& see bunny is cute isn't she! (;

2011-03-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

Never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.

2011-03-23T01:00:00.000-07:00

Optical illusions.

Yes, your mind is screwed!

2011-03-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to my boyf ♥

We've no idea how we begin; No idea how far we'll go.

It doesn't matter. We've made a promise, we'll last till our forever ends.

Time flies when we're together; & seems forever when we're waiting.

Just can't wait to see you everyday, the same as how you look forward to seeing me.

I love how you care for me and seems to know even without me speaking.

This understanding we share, the trust we had, could never be broke.

Tell you something. I never failed to smile whenever I think of you *insert shy face*

All those silly things you did, and your childish act is all oh so funny :D

I wonder what will be the topic, if we ever quarrel.

& Lastly. Iloveyou! ♥

really do.

2011-03-22T08:11:00.001-07:00

Life is too ironic to understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is. Noise to appreciate silence, & absence to value presence.

2011-03-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

Smile, it makes the world go round (: the best killer. I'm serious.

& forgive me, I know I look pale without makeup. but still I'm awesome.

2011-03-22T06:15:00.001-07:00

Sweet huh ♥ & Winnie is so cute :D

He say he gonna hide Winnie due to jealousy. Tsk.

Don't jealous aeh, I just love to hug plushie to sleep :D

heheees (: Iloveyou.

Thanks, I know. I'm awesome ^^v

2011-03-22T05:56:00.001-07:00

It is who you choose to be with.

2011-03-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

I have no idea how 'we' begin ♥

Its just L.O.V.E. Words can't describe how much I love him.

& yes, we'll last. Definitely. This time, I'm sure.

P.S. Iloveyou.

2010-07-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

OMG WE WON THE COMPETITION! GUYS! :D :D :D :D

I can't explain the happiness I'm feeling now! The theme 'RAIN' that I suggested yesterday had won us a GOLD MEDAL! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! The judges was really impressed!

Oh! Sorry readers, I was too excited and got carried away!

Anyway, I was saying about the theme 'RAIN' which had won us a gold medal in a dance competition that my school was in! BE JEALOUS! I even did a solo part and now I feel so proud of myself!

The flood was a disaster but the ending I had now was perfect!

I didn't know that a disaster can lead to a good outcome!

2010-06-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

I guess you guys would have already know about the flooding in Orchard today since everyone is talking about it.

Can you imagine the water level reaching the bus wheels!? The scene where everyone starts complaining that they are going to be late? The ANNOYING part when everyone that was caught in the situation have to walk in the dirty water. I was all wet, dirty & THE WORST PART! I WAS LATE FOR MY LAST DANCE PRACTICE ! :( ARRGH

I know I was late for the practice and all but why did they not believe me? :( They can't just push all the blame to me! I mean, I shouldn't be blamed for the flood right? I did turned up for the dance practice though it ended the moment I reached school. IT WAS ALL SAMMANTHA's FAULT! Sammantha has been eyeing for my solo part ever since the first rehearsal, no wonder she is so eager to blame everything on just this incident. SHE JUST WANTS TO IMPRESS THE INSTRUCTOR AND SNATCH AWAY MY POSITION. Its just because I am late and she did this to me? HOW COULD SHE! F**K!

:(( Big sigh :( I am really sorry, dancers. Anyway, I just suggested the theme 'RAIN' (Inspiration from the flood and recent dance shows) for tomorrow's dance competition to our instructor, and she seems really interested about it! I AM CONFIDENT that we can still win the competition tomorrow! PLEASE BELIEVE ME GUYS!

I got this inspiration from the flood earlier on. It was raining and the Orchard area was flooded! In order to escape, I have to walk in the dirty water and my white uniform was totally wet and muddy. It immediately turned my white uniform to brown! Oh anyway, while walking in the flooded area, when the raindrops touch my skin, I was kind of inspired. & even the moment when I walk in the flooded area, there was some splash effect and I thought it was really cool although it was kind of forceful when I was trying to walk my way out.

I thought of mixing the water effect in our dance. It will certainly be a good effect and everyone will be impressed! Just like the recent dance shows and all. I then suggested to my instructor, that we should use the rain effect and tapping our foot on the ground to create a 'splash' effect. This will in turn make our hip hop dance more effective! Don't you guys think so?!

2010-06-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

Its this Sammantha again! Why did she keep going against me? I HATE HER. **CK

I don't understand why is she always eyeing for my position! THIS POSITION BELONGS TO ME AND ONLY ME. NO ONE CAN STEAL THIS POSITION AWAY FROM ME.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? Can she just stop this?