Woke up, still in fear. Facing the reality each day for me is a struggle. I can hardly make it through. Can't help but have all those worries in my mind. I need to escape. Probably when I have my own passport and I'll go for a little time out. Not sure to where, just somewhere alone I guess.

Even if I'm able to hang on here, my heart might not be able to take it anymore. All those feelings that I once felt, I'm feeling it again. It can be as scary as having those suicide thoughts. I can probably feel those helpless people now.

Blame me, scold me for being so negative and all. I'm sorry but I'm not a positive person. I went through that much, yes, that much to be who I am today, but it's still not enough. I need a guide, please just guide me in to being cheerful again, even if it's only for a while.

I'm happy, but no, I have more worries to handle than I can find my happiness. Need a tear out session.

Just got myself a little time, read through those old posts of mine and boyf's. How sweet we used to be. Not that now's a disaster. But all I've been hearing from boyf recently is to not be sad, he even say that I wasn't like this last time.

I'm sorry but I guess I've just introduced my true self to him. Life isn't full of happiness for me, I worked my way through. Happiness is what I gain for rewards, just like pets receive their treats as rewards. It doesn't always happen.

Maybe I just chose to believe I don't deserve happiness. Probably because I done too much bad.

All I have in mind when reading through those posts was, Aw was that us? How I missed those times. Not just me being sad every now and then, but he was too sweet back then. & I'm truly pampered. How can I not be happy, how can I not smile at the someone who try so hard to make me happy?

But now when I'm sad, instead of getting love and someone there to comfort, cheer me up, I have someone else to be sad together with me. Which I'm sure I doesn't need the togetherness during those periods. Just need a hug, a tight one will work best, I guess.

Maybe both of us stopped trying hard, stopped putting in that much effort as we used to.. but all I know is having him with me was probably the best thing that has happened on me. So please, just forgive me for those mistakes I made.

Everyday's a long day ever since my intern started. My intern was supposed to end today, and today was supposed to be a happy day, so does my every day.

But, I'm not. In fact, it's hurting me, so bad.
It's gonna be 2 years, me and my boyf got together. This journey wasn't easy. There was ups and there was down. It wasn't easy but we went through it. I love him. But I didn't know that my love for him has caused him to lose most of his friends, if it was in any case my fault. & for me to lose mine, all I guess.

I guess I'm sorry, for being jealous, I guess this is why people says jealousy kills, isn't it? Sorry for being like a honey sticking around him all the time. I guess he no longer want me 24/7 with him. It's sad to get that kind of feeling and not knowing what to do. But yeah, I'll get through it, just like how my 19 years of life has passed .

I'm no longer the one who has all listening ears up for me, no longer the one who wants attention from all, no longer the one who will express my thoughts and just here alone, tearing and updating this dead blog of mine.

Falling apart once again. Guess it's just me and my fault and I deserve everything cause I ask for it. I'm so sorry.