Clarity ♥

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I know I tear most of the time at night, I know I make people worry. I know that I could have avoided it. I know that I could maintain. I know that I can take every step to make it not happen. I know that I could be the change. I know that I should stop expecting so that I could feel better. I know that I don't know what I know when I'm not thinking of the things that I know. So forgive me if in any case, I'm not behaving the way that I usually was.

I'm not a every day blogger. I don't blog about my every day life.

Just like in reality, I don't do the same things everyday, I don't tell someone all the things that I do.

I don't like to be judge, I don't like to be asked, I don't like to repeat, I don't like to be forced, in short, I hate to do things that I don't like.

I'm not that stubborn if you know me well enough. I'm not that difficult to handle if you know me well enough. Little things that could be done without saying.

When I'm a little quiet when nothing seems to have happen, fact is I don't know what have happened and I'm taking every little things that is going to happen in to consideration of what contributed to why I'm behaving in that particular way.

I'm quiet, I seems to ignore, I said nothing, I shake my head.

Reasons:

Most of the times, I just found new reason/ be reminded of reasons why I hate my life.

I'm already being ignored, so I shall ignore.

I don't get the things that I want/I expected to happen.

I hate it when being ask if I'm ok but the person who ask turns out to be the one who is not.

I needed words of comfort/ actions of comfort.

I don't need to be ask why I'm acting in a particular way because I don't know.

I don't need to be the one who is already feeling shitty and still needs to handle shitty things.

I won't repeat myself of things I once said and thought was being understood.

Just leave me alone if you think you'll turn out to be the one who needs to be comfort. I already have more to think for. & right after I'm done with thinking, I'll be ok. So what's the point of having more person left hanging?

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Feel so hurt when I see my boyf sick and I can't do anything about it. In fact, I don't even know what to do other than staying by his side and hoping that he'll get better.

& Every now and then, I don't feel like working, not when I don't feel any closer to my dream career, but I guess I just have to shut up accept the fact that I have no other choice now.

I just need to hang on, till life gets better (yeaps, even when Idk when it will become better)

I only know that now, things as usual and I have to get back up on feet and carry on with this life of mine.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Boyf is sick and I feel so bad that I can't take care of him later :( had to accompany Jun Jie for his first inking T^T

Though I'm still meeting him after that :D

he's sleeping soundly now, and hope he'll feel better when he wakes up.

Hees, found this cute picture of my baby in my phone :D SO CUTE! & I feel like pinching his cheek now! Hahaahaaas, he'll laugh when he see this picture of his gay looking hair.

Awwwws, BABY ILOVEYOU! ♥

Monday, August 29, 2011

I've finally made it through to holidays, although it wasn't really that great an experience. & am officially done with Y2S1, half of my Poly stay.

I guess my days ahead will be easier to get through cause I had a great boyf and a bunch of few good friends! ILOVETHEM ALL.

Anyway, though it's holiday, but no, it ain't a time for me to waste my time off, shall say hi to money and work, here I come!

Guess after this holiday, I'll better have a great time ahead!

Other than that, CPF thingy, yeaps, I'll settle that by next week!

ILOVEMYBOYF. Sorry to make you sad and worry when I'm down. I need you there and you know I'll be just fine. Iloveyou baby. ♥

Sunday, August 28, 2011

It has been a very long time since I know what am I working towards to and who will I be, where will I stand.

When I'm young, I had a dream of being a doctor as a future career. At least I know I have to study and work hard to make it come true.

When I'm older, I know that my future career and whatever I'll be doing must be related to my interest. Well, least I'm still working on it.

Now? Working for my study. Weren't I supposed to go step by step? I don't know what to do now except for getting tired and feeling lethargic. Everything is biting me off bits by bits.

I know I have friends, family, especially my boyf who will help me fix my scar.

But no, not really working, when family is already a major problem for me at the moment.

& every now and then, the thought of losing my boyf have been haunting me. I'm not a low confident person, but I just love him too much I guess, when just a hug from him can stop me from crying, stop me from feeling anxious, stop me from thinking so much and calm me down in whatever things.

Yet recently, whenever I feel down or when my world is falling apart, sometimes all I get from him is so not the reaction that I expected or he once has on me. Or maybe its just me thinking too much, if not I'm too much a weight for him to handle.

I tell myself to stop showing the child temper, but he's the only one I could still show it to. You can't expect me to show it to someone whom I just know or friends who knows me lesser than he does, or even family who already left me hanging.

Please tell me what to do.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I have no idea what is wrong with me :( I keep making boyf sad because I'm sad.

& I swear I hated the annoyed face boyf gave me when he have no idea what I want.

Most of the time, I just need assurance from him, a hug or a kiss or some assuring words, to let me know that I have him with me. & not asking for anything else.

Cause I've become so dependent on him that, if he gonna leave my life any moment now, I'll collapse. & whenever I think of that happening, I'll tear.

Not that I have no trust in this relationship, not that I don't love him, not that idk he love me too.

But there have been others out there who was so in love, but things still doesn't work out for them. I really wish that we'll be together till the end.

Recently is not a good day for me, I seems to irritate boyf often, which is not a very good thing. I'm sorry baby. ILOVEYOU&IREALLYDO.